Thirty-one: Do Good

(This is the 4th in a 10-post series)

"She does him good and not evil
all the days of her life."  Proverbs 31:12 NKJV

I'm not sure what "doing him good" looks like at your house, for your husband.  But for me, sometimes it looks like egg sandwiches.  Let me explain. This is something I do just for him. I don't eat eggs.  I actually despise all manner of eggs except the Benedict kind, drenched in lemony Hollandaise so I can't taste the eggs.  But my husband loves them, made just about any way, so several mornings a week I scramble, fry or poach his breakfast, or make his favorite...an egg sandwich.  It says "you're important to me" and "I love you".  I'm pretty sure the writer of Proverbs was talking about "doing him good" in much more important ways, but I don't want to miss even a small opportunity to lighten his load or make his day better.  

There are thousands of ways a wife can do her husband good, but the one I want to focus on today is doing good with our words. It costs nothing, and you already possess all the skills you need to powerfully impact your husband's life. In my role as a pastor's wife, I see lots of couples "up close".  Time and again, I'm amazed how many women speak ill of their husbands, sometimes right in front of them!  "Durwood here is just useless with cars." "We'll never own a home, Bobby can't seem to keep a job..." Words are very powerful, and we can choose to build our husband up or drag him down by the words we speak to him, and about him.  

If you've been reading Chick Food for a while, you already know I'm no expert.  I frequently confess my mistakes and shortcomings in these pages.  But after thirty-three years of marriage, I do have a LOT of experience, and maybe I've learned a thing or two that will help you.

*If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Did your Mother teach you this, too? It was practically a mantra in our house, usually directed at squabbling sisters.  My husband talks about a 3 way test before speaking: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If you can't answer 'yes' to all three questions,  don't say it!

*Avoid the complaining game with your friends.  Sometimes a conversation with girlfriends can devolve into a gripe session about the husbands. Refuse to participate! When a friend begins criticizing and complaining about her guy, redirect the conversation: "Neither one of our husbands is perfect, but they're good guys- they both work so hard. We have a lot to be grateful for." We can always find something good to say about even the most wayward husband. Complaints lead to resentment; compliments lead to thankfulness.

*Speak faith in the face of fear.  This one I've learned by doing it all wrong.  When faced with difficulty, like the loss of a job or a sudden move, choose to encourage him.  "This was so unexpected, but I believe in you, and I know we'll be ok."  Instead of going all Chicken Little ("The sky is falling!"), you can give him strength with your words.  

*Don't say it.  This is so important.  I say it to my kids all the time: You don't have to say everything you think! Knowing what not to say is a very important life skill.  "I told you so." "You always..." "You never ..." "You sound just like your Dad."  My best example is not about what not to say, but when not to say it.  Conversation first thing in the morning is always a bad idea around here. My guy needs time to seize the day. What should you not say, or when should you not say it?

*Say it out loud.  Maybe it's just me, but I think my husband's praises more often than I say them.   Most husbands need encouraging words like they need air, so instead of just thinking what a lucky girl you are to have a man who can fix anything, say it! Instead of thinking how much you love being with him, say it! Get in the habit of saying "I love you" every day, you'll be amazed how it builds you both up!

So let's do good in the little things and the big ones.  But don't overlook the power of your words to "do him good and not evil all the days of your life."

Prayer for Today: Heavenly Father, would you reveal to me where my words have torn down my husband? Please help me to build him up and do him good with my words. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

To read the other posts in this Proverbs 31 series, go here and scroll back to "One A Day" on March 15th. Then just read the posts in date sequence til today's date!  

Thirty-one: Trust

(This is the 3rd in a 10-post series)

"Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life."    - Proverbs 31:11 NLT

As I dug into Proverbs 31:11 for this post, I looked up the word "trust" in the dictionary.  According to Merriam-Webster, 'trust ' means "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something".  Being worthy of my husband's trust is very important to me. But I think trust is much more than Gene being assured that I'm faithful, reliable and truthful. I think that just scratches the surface. What a husband needs is to trust his wife with who he really is.

He needs to trust that I'm safe. He needs to know he can safely share his thoughts, fears and dreams with me.  My husband is a bold and visionary man who dreams big dreams,  who actually believes that nothing is impossible with God.  I love that about him. But that kind of fearlessness makes a practical, risk-averse girl like me quiver in her Sperrys! I have a hard time not being afraid out loud, which can make it tough for him to really trust me me with everything he's thinking or feeling.  God's not finished with me yet, and occasionally I get it right. Like the time he shared this completely crazy idea with me: he thought a movie theatre would be a great place for a church. (!!!!) True, I reacted badly at first.  But I listened and prayed (and cried) and supported him, and his dream became Crossroads. If our husbands are going to really trust us with who they really are, they need to know it's safe to share...or they won't.

He needs to trust that I'm strong. Many years ago, my husband traveled frequently for his job, logging hundreds of thousands of miles in the air. That meant it was just me at home with our four young children 4-5 days a week. Gene should have been able to trust in my strength, that I would do my part while he did his, for the good of our family. God had blessed him with a good job and he provided very well for us.  But growing up, my Dad was home for dinner every night, and my life-plan did not include my husband traveling. "I didn't sign up for this!" was my battle cry. I was so angry that instead of asking God for strength to manage well, I basically threw a decade-long temper tantrum, putting a serious strain on our marriage and family. Looking back, I guess he was able to trust that I would take good care of our kids and our home.  But I could have "greatly enriched his life" if he could have trusted me to do that with strength and joy.

He needs to trust that I'm committed.  The world is full of couples who promise to stay together "as long as you ..." or "if we both ..." or "as long as we feel ...". That kind of flimsy commitment falters in the face of loss or disappointment. My husband and I take our vow to stay married "until death do us part" very seriously. It's an uncommon level of commitment. We're going to love each other and stay together in sickness or in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. After thirty-three years of marriage, we're still 100% committed to finding a way through any hardship, not a way out.  A man who can trust in his wife's commitment to him is a man who is free to become all God has created him to be. There is something so fear-shattering, so life-giving and empowering about knowing the one you love is committed, come what may.

Prayer for Today:  Father, I want my husband to be able to trust me with who he really is. Help me -help us both- to grow in the grace and knowledge of You. In Christ's name, Amen. 

To read the other posts in this series, go here and enter "Thirty-one" in the 'search' box. 

Thirty-one: Precious

(This is the 2nd in a 10-post series)

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.  Proverbs 31:10 NLT

Just a short post today, Dearest. I want us to pause; to dwell for a moment on the second half of verse 10.  Remember, as we dive in, we're no longer looking at this proverb as a giant 'to-do' list. 

 With all my heart, I believe that the wife described in Proverbs 31 is not an actual woman, but a composite of virtuous qualities; a portrait, if you will, of a Virtuous Wife.  No one woman, living or dead, embodies all of the qualities enumerated in this proverb. I can't be this woman, neither can you! But the closer we draw to our Heavenly Father through His word and prayer, the more our lives will be marked by the virtues illuminated in this chapter.

The description of the Virtuous Wife begins in verse 10 with an affirmation of God's love: "You're more precious than rubies," whispers the Holy Spirit.  Just breathe that in for a moment.  It's interesting to note that a flawless ruby of fine color is exponentially more rare and valuable than a diamond of similar quality. The comparison to rubies was lovingly, thoughtfully chosen by God so we would see that we're not just valuable, but exceedingly valuable to Him.  So...just for today...could we set aside fretting about our shortcomings? Set aside striving for His approval? Just for today, let's bask in the knowledge that without any "measuring up" to the ideals of Proverbs 31, we're already accepted by God in the  Beloved. (Eph 1:3-6 NKJV) 

Next time, we'll dig in to verses 11-12, and discover that we are the best gift our husbands will ever receive!

Prayer for Today: Father, as I read Your words in Proverbs 31, remind me that it is You who changes me; Your Spirit in me who brings fruitfulness and virtue in my life. May Your words dwell richly in me (Col 3:16 NLT).  In Jesus' Name, Amen.

To read the other posts in this Proverbs 31 series, type "thirty-one" into the 'Search this Blog' box.

Thirty-one: One a Day

(This is the 1st post in a 10-post series)

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NLT

I have long been a fan of including a Proverb-a-day with my devotional reading.  After all, Proverbs is the Wisdom book, right? I don't know about you, but I need wisdom every day, not just some days, so I'm pretty sure it's not an accident that there are thirty-one chapters in this amazing book.  I usually read the Proverb that corresponds with the date: chapter 15 on the 15th, etc.  But one Proverb gets more of my attention than all of the others combined: it's Proverbs 31.

 If you've been a Christ-follower for a while, chances are pretty good you've heard about the Virtuous Wife described in the thirty-one verses of the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs. (See the complete description in vv 10-31) I confess I've been more than a little annoyed and resentful toward this Woman over the years.  Did I just say that out loud??  I mean, I want to be a virtuous wife, I really do.  But it seems to me that all of her flax-spinning, food-fetching, vineyard-planting, midnight-oil burning virtuosity is just a little out of reach for someone like me, with a regular amount of no domestic skills.  I mean, she's kind and wise, she's prepared for a rainy day, she dresses beautifully and makes her own clothes, she runs her household efficiently...how in the world could someone like me ever hope to be like her?? I can get discouraged in a big hurry reading about this woman!

But wait... What if we're not supposed to read Proverbs 31 like a to-do list? What if we're not supposed to try to place all the things she is like a template over our own life to see where we fall short? What if instead, the words of this ancient proverb are meant to encourage us by showing us what qualities we do possess that God calls "virtuous"?  What if these words are meant to inspire us, to give us new ideas of how we can honor our husbands and families? What if these words were meant to keep us growing in a lifetime pursuit of God? When seen in that light, Proverbs 31 becomes a ladder to lead us, not a hammer to beat us down. I can read it with hope and joy, not guilt and regret.

In my first series of blog posts in more than a year, I want to take a deep look into Proverbs 31.  Let's take our time, and see what encouragement, inspiration, and wisdom is there...for us not-so-perfect girls.

To read all ten posts in the Proverbs 31 series, visit http://www.chickfood.blogspot.com and type "thirty-one" in the "search this blog" box.

Prayer for Today: Father, as I read about the Virtuous Wife described in Proverbs 31, would you encourage me, teach me, and inspire me to be the woman You have called me to be? Would You reassure me that because Jesus is perfect, You don't require that of me?  In His Name I pray, Amen.